New Year, Same Old Mom Guilt
Originally written 01/01/19
Happy New Year! 2018 brought some new and difficult challenges but I must say, I had a pretty great year. Watching Hadley grow and develop into a sweet and sassy (almost) two year old has been so much fun. Hadley’s last endocrinolgy appointment was scheduled for November, but the evening before her appointment I got a call from her Nurse Practitioner. The weather forecast looked ominous so she called to discuss Hadley rather than risking bad roads early the next morning. We had taken Hadley for her regular blood draw a few days prior and—get this—her labs were NORMAL! Her TSH was 5.211 (Normal is 0.350-5.500) and Free T4 was 1.4 (Normal is 1.0-1.7). Such a good feeling. No changes to her medication and regular follow up in 3 months. I know it’s the medicine doing it’s job but hearing her labs are normal makes me feel like I’m doing a good job. I mean, Kyle and I make sure she eats healthy, gets enough sleep and takes her medicine every day and look, we did it right! Her labs are normal! Her brain can continue to develop normally, her body can continue to grow and she feels good. Her sass and mood changes are no different thantoddlers with thyroids.
Yesterday I forgot to give Hadley her medicine. I got up, drank coffee, got ready for work,
woke the little kids (the big one is still on Christmas Break), took them to daycare and got them settled with breakfast and kisses, and went on to work. By the time I realized I had forgotten Hadley’s medicine, it was too late to give it. Actually, I don’t really know when it’s too late to give it. I need to remember to ask about that at her next appointment. Since the moment I realized I forgot to give Hadley her daily Synthroid I have felt awful. So guilty, so
upset with myself. What does missing a dose really do to her? How does it make her feel? It makes my insides hurt and it brings out the overthinker in me. It has been nearly two years since the first day we gave her medicine and it’s been a daily thing ever since. How did I miss this one?
Hadley hasn’t been herself at all today. Have the holiday festivities, trips out of town and late nights finally caught up to her? Maybe. But I know missing her medicine sure didn’t help. She’s been laying around all day. Snacking a little but not much more than a couple animal crackers. She hasn’t had any meals and only a little milk to drink. She’s been mostly pleasant but has come to me repeatedly throughout the day saying Mommmmmyyyy and wanting to be held. I of course drop whatever I am doing and hold her. Mom guilt will do that. It’s not her fault. I wish I hadn’t forgotten her medicine.
We’re asked at every appointment whether we have missed a dose of Hadley’s medicine and
it’s happened once or twice before. You would think I’d remember but I really don’t. I don’t think I have ever seen such a change in her before. You may also think that it’s not such a big deal. She’ll be ok. But to me it is a big deal. Imagine if you spilled some water on the kitchen floor. You had every intention
of cleaning it up, but you forgot. Imagine your child slipping on the water you
forgot to clean up and falling. Imagine bruises all over his or her body.
Everything kind of hurts and laying around is all that feels okay. I imagine
bruises all over Hadley’s insides today. And it kills me. She got those bruises
because I forgot.
I’ll close with this. If you give your child medicine everyday (or take medicine everyday
yourself), what is your sure-fire way of never forgetting a dose? It’s
important that Hadley takes her medicine first thing in the morning, on an
empty stomach, 15-20 minutes before eating. Kyle and I have slightly different
schedules on a daily basis so sometimes it’s him, sometimes it’s me getting
Hadley her medicine. I’m open to all suggestions and appreciate any help with
this. You can leave comments here or on Instagram or Facebook. Thanks to all of
you for reading this and going on this journey with us. I pray you all have a